I once ate 50 hard boiled eggs at one sitting.

I remember when I was a freshman in high school some older guys took me out partying. The oldest dude had already graduated and was still partying with these guys. He asked me if I had any pot. I didn’t. He thought that it would have been a lot cooler if I did.

Everyone knows I like to run, but I’ll bet you didn’t know I once spent a whole year just running around the country.  

In college my friends and I started a fraternity. We got picked on a bunch by the jocks, but ended up winning the homecoming carnival and taking over the Greek council.

When I was living in LA trying to become an actor we used to go out all the time looking for beautiful babies. We were so money and we didn’t even know it.  

I was once kidnapped by this guy who made me put lotion on my skin or else he sprayed me with a hose. Again.

Growing up I was friends with this old professor. He had a DeLorean. You weren’t supposed to drive it faster than 88 MPH.

I was a NYC policeman for awhile. My wife had moved to LA to focus on her career and I went out to see her. I went to her office Xmas party. That turned out to be a disaster.

As I lawyer I used to lie all the time. My son hated it, and he made a birthday wish that for one day I couldn’t lie. It came true. I had a lot of crazy adventures that day.

After we’d been out of school me and a couple of buddies decided to start our own fraternity. One of our pledges died, but he was really old. And I feel pretty confident when we get the autopsy back it’ll say ‘Natural Causes’.  

Once a gal left her briefcase at the airport on her way to Aspen so my buddy and I drove all the way out there to return it to her.  

For awhile I had this memory problem where I had no short term memory. I used to have to write myself notes and take lots of Polaroid pictures so I would know what I was doing. And I also tattooed a lot of the notes all over my body.

Once when I was having breakfast at this diner in LA it got robbed. The guy tried to take my boss’s briefcase. I said it wasn’t mine so he couldn’t have it. I gave him the money out of my wallet though. It was the one that said Bad Motherfucker on it.

During the summers I used to be a dance instructor at this camp in the Catskill’s. I met this girl there and fell in love. Her father did not approve. But I still got her to do the big final dance number with me after I told her father not to put her where she was. Can’t remember exactly what I said, probably wasn’t that memorable. 

My friend and I used to crash weddings. We’d make up stories about who we were. One time he wanted to be brothers from Vermont with an emerging maple syrup conglomerate. I told him I'd like to be cowboys from Arizona or pimps from Oakland but it's not Halloween. Grow up; Peter Pan, Count Chocula.

When I was a weatherman I had to cover Punxsutawney Phil once. That Groundhog Day seemed like it would never end.

One summer I tried to drive the tribe cross-country in our Wagon Queen Family Truckster. My wife’s cousin gave me some sweet shoes cause he saw how much I liked his. And then when we were 10 hours from the f#%king fun park the family wanted to bail. It became a quest for fun and when we finally got there we were the first ones in the parking lot.  

During my time in a convent in Austria I ended up becoming a nanny for 7 kids. We sang a lot of songs in the hills. They were alive with music. I may have been a woman.  

I remember once being in this fight with this big evil SOB. Mean as all get out, deep James Earl Jones voice. Anyway, he tried to get me to join him in his evil doing. I said I’d never do that. He cut off my hand and then told me he was my father.

I was in prison for awhile. I eventually broke out and went to Mexico. I apparently spent my time there sanding a boat and waiting on Morgan Freeman to come join me.